the door

12

2010-07-18T09:05:00.001-07:00

be the kid you have to be.
or try, and hope you dont fuck it up

-

2010-03-18T07:13:00.001-07:00

i need you

Off

2010-03-03T06:29:00.000-08:00

Elegy,
I'll take steps away from this,
Find myself something different.

Natural

2010-02-27T06:07:00.000-08:00

This is perfect,
Magical,
Beautiful,
Real.
Please, if I can have anything more,
Let it be that you feel this to.
Draw strength,
We have it.
I know, maybe you do too;
With you by my side,
I feel something I have desired,
For all of my life.
I feel... Invincible?
Nothing is out of our reach.
I promise you that.

DST+

2010-02-24T07:22:00.000-08:00

What the fuck.
I am struggling to find adequate words to describe this,
This brutality. I cannot hold this weight for much longer,
I have dropped my burden before, and I too suffered from the fall.
How much more can I take?
Repeat to myself, over and over:
I will be selfless, I will be selfless, I will be selfless,
I must be.

Reverse

2010-02-21T04:19:00.000-08:00

Dreams do not fade like ink on a page,
Only my lust to fulfil, to arise
This world, so often described as a stage
blackens; too quickly we come to despise.
I wish for a chance, for something to change,
That frees young minds from modern oppression.
To run cannot seem so distant, so strange,
To live, not be, is such an intention.
It's a word that lingers in bubbling air,
A smile and a feeling as intense as fire,
This promise, that time will for us prepare
Will take us wherever our hearts desire.
This keeps me alive, I know I can say,
Tomorrow is waiting, tomorrow' s the day.

Oct Fuzz

2010-02-20T07:29:00.001-08:00

Cliches
We are all pathetic
Fuckin' HxC, man.

And in the middle of all the PAIN

I have nobody, nothing
alone

Mild

2010-02-19T07:23:00.000-08:00

One by one,
Logic, with heart.
Pay-phones and cigarettes,
It's fucking art

0-30 ms

2010-02-16T05:57:00.000-08:00

Soar away from mortal ties,
And love for freedom enhance,
For there's something infinitely wise
In leaving all to chance.

Scream

2010-02-16T04:13:00.000-08:00

Fucking
Useless

Slow Echo

2010-02-15T06:21:00.000-08:00

Time does not heal all things.
I will never be free of the tainted past I so eagerly despise,
Because time cannot heal without leaving mark.
Dried up wounds that once ran deep with the blood of passion,
Remain as pale, knotted, rope-like reminders.
Shame on the deepest level, hidden from view for so long.
Will I ever shake off these bonds?

Chorus

2010-02-13T18:51:00.000-08:00

All it is, is a day on which we are given a reason to put in a little extra effort, to open our minds and let loose to uninhibited feelings.

If I am honest, if I am sincere, then the feelings have not changed.

It is only what I do about them.

Resonance

2010-02-10T06:55:00.000-08:00

Drowning beneath my inability to do something right.
I've made mistakes before, and good boys don't
have mistakes to learn from.
It's all about where you've been, what you've done,
And who you wasted time with.
I can feel the loathing in the air, resonating with your words.
Well I am no different from those you despise.
How long before I bring about my own demise?

Voice

2010-02-03T06:32:00.000-08:00

Every day, I watch good people suffer,
And I lose all belief in reason, purpose and being.
What can I do? Fucking answer me.. What am I supposed to do?
And who are you, to cause this?

Words

2010-01-31T07:25:00.001-08:00

What can you do when words cannot describe the way you feel...? Yet what are words capable of in the face of such overwhelming odds? If only words could save you and i could be the one to speak them.
If my heart could write songs they would sound like the beginning of a new day. The sunrise tinged with just enough orange and light pink to warm the room. Nudging through the trees that seem to know something is close, as their gentle flowers begin the slow and rewarding blossoming of spring. You could go out and lie beneath that old and beautiful tree, the rays of sunlight drawing in the last of the morning dew from the vibrantly green grass that forms the bed you lie upon.
What use do words have? Filled with promises and hopes and desires. But empty. Spoken, with true meaning? With every inch of your heart behind them? How else do you convey the deepest and most intense feelings of affection, compassion, adoration and respect? If nothing, if you can give me nothing, give me only the ability to show how i truly feel.

Fair

2010-01-29T08:14:00.000-08:00

What is expected of me? i am not god, i am a fifteen year old kid with a mountain of his own
inadequecy to deal with. Why have i been thrown up against things i cannot fight or control, let alone understand. This isn't fair, especially not on you. Why...

'n', h-a-t-e

2010-01-28T03:13:00.000-08:00

Complaining about nothing makes that nothing so much more pathetic. No one actually fucking cares, it is time to grow up. If you are right about one thing, it is that you look like a child, who can't get what he wants. Isn't it fantastic when in a few short words you can destroy someone entirely? Who is it that speaks them, that knows what to say? The only person who knows who you really are, the only person who has seen you doing everything that you try to forget. Who knows what hides underneath your skin, poisoning the blood that runs so freely once they break the surface.

A kid I know, once believed in something that everyone else disregarded. And in this fairytale, he was wrong, and everyone else was right. He thought he was something more than what he had been told, and shut his eyes and blocked his ears when the whole world told him he was wrong. You would have to be nine kinds of fucked up to want anything to do with a kid who dreams for something he cannot have, that no one will ever want. He is nobody, nothing. Passionate about time wasting, lazy as fuck and so incredibly miserable, a conversation is a funeral. The only thing he has, or will ever have, is his twisted and torturous mind, a gift. Have you ever been torn down from the inside? Your skin shattered like glass as everything you kept a secret, a deep dark secret breaks out of you and not only reveals who you truly are, it also entirely eradicates the mask that you once wore. And as the mask lies in front of you, broken in two, you can see how revolting it really was.

You can smash mirrors, hide yourself from others, say nothing, and do nothing. But you can NEVER escape yourself, your own mind. Get used to it, and stop bloody whining about it.

Trap

2010-01-25T18:07:00.000-08:00

What the fuck am i doing.
I know im headed straight for where i was two years ago,
Blades drugs and tears. Yet I'm carrying on?
Why am i doing this again?
In the pathetically fucking small hope that this time will be different?

Where?

2010-01-14T08:26:00.000-08:00

When i look up to the clouds there is nothing i can see,
But I must know,
Is there someone staring back at me?

Walk With Me

2010-01-04T07:08:00.000-08:00

What is it worth to know god when it does not make me happy?
It is like screaming when no one can hear you, it is all for yourself.

I can only pray that she acknowledges that I am different, that I am not them.
What is different but revolution, a struggle. Timeless, wasted.
I have so much to show you

God

2009-12-26T05:52:00.000-08:00

I need someone, right about now,
Before it breaks me.

Take Two

2009-12-25T06:28:00.000-08:00

A chance to start again, a chance for things to go right.
Please, let this work. No more mistakes, I won't go in too deep.
Only one thing left I need. Is it closure?

helloo.

2009-11-25T05:45:00.000-08:00

I wrote you something pretty,
But why?

Haze

2009-11-22T05:36:00.000-08:00

One last deep breath.
They will be here soon,
I need to make sure its all gone by then.
Nah, they will be a while,
There is time for another.
I sit, legs crossed, in the middle of an oval,
It's pretty dark. Singing to myself,
Breathing it all in.
I think I miss something...

Old Habits

2009-11-09T04:56:00.000-08:00

My temptress...
I'm so ready to embrace you,
But so afraid of what you will do to me.
One step at a time,
Someone pass a light

Thoughts

2009-10-06T08:57:00.000-07:00

I' m trying so hard but I cant move on,
I cant stop thinking about you.
Every moment I feel something powerful,
It turs to you.

And I don't believe in chance...

Oh but what I'd give for another one.

Prayer

2009-09-20T06:44:00.000-07:00

I was weak and I fell for you,
On the first night you whispered those words in my ear.
I love you...
Return to me,
So we can go back to how it was in the beginning.
Endless starry nights and the sweetest taste in the air,
My head on your shoulder,
Crying.
Tears and blood.
That is all it ever was.
I hate you.
Thank you god for giving me this oppurtunity, to do what has been done before. To think what has been explained, to see what can be faked, to hear what means nothing. Today I suffer, knowing that tomorrow I will be happy. And the next day, I will die. Will I remember what you put my through, and for what it was for?

The Demon Inside Me

2009-07-26T07:32:00.000-07:00

It's funny how your past is a part of you, bound to catch up to you. Each day that passed i was running further away from the person I was. But it only took one long inside myself to know that he was always there, taunting me in each breath. I've become something far greater than him, and now I know that I can drive him away for good. The simplicity of melodies in my head, driven to strength by the complexity of their execution, causing the demon inside me to wither in pain and suffering. The suffering of failure. It's something to know that somewhere in this stainless world there is a person who's sole intent is to undermine your sanity, something more to know he lives inside you. So armed with the countless weaving threads of notes in my ears, touching my lips, twitching my fingers, I forced him out of my body, out of me, forever. With a sickening retch and a gruesome cough, vomit covers the floor in front of me. Tears stream down my cheeks, my whole body shakes violently, my fingers tracing endless patterns on my thigh. With a final sob, I turn and walk away, back to where i began, the sun finally breaching the night's oppression. This demon I hated, this god that I trusted, I am alone once more. Despite the overwhelming weight lifted off my shoulders, I find that my heart now aches for the missing part of me. The part that I loved, the part that slowly ate away at me from inside. Now i wonder, who did I really leave behind in that mess of bile? The demon? Or the real me? What am I now?

Clean Slate

2009-07-15T22:37:00.000-07:00

Tear down all you know,
Start over,
Take yourself back to the beginning,
Try again,
Change everything about yourself,
I'll see where it gets me..

2009-06-20T05:52:00.000-07:00

people are bastards

nothing good comes from hard work and genuine effort

you will only end up face down in the fucking dirt.

Choose

2009-06-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

Now i have to choose,
Between the girl in my dreams,
The girl I still search for,
And the girl I have always loved.
Is it the same person?

Searching

2009-06-13T03:20:00.000-07:00

From across the room,
Into the deepest eyes,
The prettiest smile.
I have to find you,
And I won't rest until I do.

A Truth

2009-05-26T07:58:00.000-07:00

A group of men set out across the sea to find something more than what they had.
To find a reason to keep living, and to bring it back to those they had left behind.
After many many years, the first group member ended his life. and then the next,
Until only one was left. he's still looking today, walking across endless fields.
Don't you see, he will never find what he is looking for. there is nothing,
No reason and nothing better. All those the crew left behind have long since given up all hope Of their return. Except for one foolish young girl. Two days ago she died,
With more despair in her heart than anyone else before her. Because life failed her grand Expectations, it failed even the simplest of her dreams. It will fail all of us.

A Lesson

2009-05-25T06:36:00.000-07:00

One thing I learned is this:
Give everything for someone or something,
Give up your heart and mind,
And it'll fuck you over.
Caring is worth nothing,
You will get nothing back.
Don't ever try to help someone else,
You'll destroy yourself long before they reach happiness.

Pain

2009-04-29T07:27:00.000-07:00

At least cease to suffer,
Away from me

Three days until my promise...
And I want to keep it

Soon

2009-04-25T08:12:00.000-07:00

The thing that keeps me going,
Is falling apart.

A Note

2009-04-08T07:10:00.000-07:00

Please don't wake me, till someone cares.
Enjoy your new life,
And NEVER forget what I did to you.
It is in me, forever.

Throat

2009-03-29T05:41:00.000-07:00

Choking,
I try and tell someone before I fall.
I always wanted my passing to be a big deal,
Then everyone would now how much pain I was going through,
But know I now that I will die alone,
And no one will even notive until many weeks later.
Isn't it perfect,
Isn't it beautiful,
Isn't it tragic?
I don't care anymore,
I just want to die.

Outage

2009-03-26T04:59:00.000-07:00

My deepest regrets and apoligies to you,
Man in the mirror,
But you frightened me.
I walked across the room,
And only noticed once i was done.
I saw you speak,
Your lips move,
And only heard you five minutes later.
So tell me,
Man in the mirror,
What shall I do?

Contrast

2009-03-10T05:16:00.000-07:00

Exactly like before,

With a tinge of venom

And no passion.

Bother

2009-03-04T03:49:00.000-08:00

I spend each day pretending I can laugh and smile,
I return home and I fall into addiction.
You?
I see nothing.

I Don't Understand

2009-03-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

You said we had something special,
You said you wanted to be with me forever,
I said the same back to you.

So it was all lies?

Our Night Out

2009-03-01T05:04:00.000-08:00

As I sat next to you, and later stood, I pushed a safety pin into my leg.
Why hide this truth behind subtlety and hidden meaning?

Pathetic

2009-02-28T01:11:00.001-08:00

All I feel is contempt.
But why?

You are better than what you did,
And you shouldn't need me to tell you that.

Sound Advice

2009-02-27T07:30:00.000-08:00

Don't tell a girl she's beautiful,
Show her that she is.
Because words lost all meaning when everyone started talking.
Don't tell a girl she's beautiful,
Show her that she is.
Sneak out of bed late at night to pick a rose from your neighbours garden,
Put it in a box and give it to her the next day.
Write her a poem that doesn't rhyme,
But ends with the word Forever.
Smile just because you're with her,
And make her laugh too.
Tell her that you can't write love songs,
But find her the best ones ever written.
Hold her hand and squeeze it tight,
Then apologise for hurting her.
Creep up behind her slowly,
And hug her waist gently.
Show her that shes beautiful,
Show her that you love her,
And the next time you tell her so,
She will believe you, Forever.

Phone Call

2009-02-08T04:08:00.000-08:00

I called a sucide hotline,
and told them i was on top of the third tallest building in the city.
I spoke to the girl on the other end of the phone for a while, and watched, from across the street, as the police cars pulled up out the front of the building i had described.

A Reminder

2009-01-28T07:30:00.000-08:00

I was in hospital from a car crash,
and they said that as part of the treatment,
they would remove all of the scars from my legs.
I asked them to leave one.
Just one.

Return

2009-01-15T06:49:00.000-08:00

There is power in choosing to hurt,
but there is more in choosing not to.

and the satisfaction is so much more if you do.

Told the Truth

2008-12-16T08:30:00.000-08:00

I just got told that I solely depend on her.
And I know that it's true,
And I know that it's wrong.

Can you see why I cannot bear to lose you?
I have no one else.

Irrelevant

2008-12-13T03:43:00.000-08:00

It's been a while.
But I have this feeling, as though im being held up by strings.
And everytime I begin to tell someone something from deep inside me, or write it down,
The strings break.
And more importantly, I need those frail puppet strings to hold me up,
To hold me above the water.

A Story

2008-11-30T03:38:00.000-08:00

Guaranteed that where I want this to go, It will not.

Anyway;

It was raining slightly, cloudy, but the wind stood out the most. The gentle rain wasn’t helping either. Streetlights illuminated narrow beams of rain, giving the street a warm, glowing feeling, despite the cold air. The sound hit me as much as the warmth did, as I entered the crowded room. The sound of so many totally different stories being told, some laughing, others serious. Moods varied throughout the entire room, each threatening the next; regret as much as happiness, anger as much as pleasure. I remembered the old match box, taped tightly shut with black tape, never removed or replaced over all these years. The matchbox was musty, the tape frayed and tearing. A deep sigh raked my heavy chest, all the weight of these years in the dark coming to a climax on this night. I wanted to know the truth, but the truth daunted me. Like a perfect rose, my desire for answers was riddled with thorns.
I consciously became aware of the cold once more as I sat at a table in no particular place in the room, not hidden in the corner, or out in the open. There was no need to be conspicuous, but a slight compelling for privacy. The man across the table from me acknowledged my arrival with no more than a slight change in his posture. My father. He subtly became defensive, enclosed and personal. Without voicing my shock, I noticed that his ring was gone. Such a subtle feature, yet it stung with a lifetime of selfless patience. So much had occurred; I needed to fill in the gaps for myself. But the cold and even formal appearance of the man opposite me suggested that he too, wanted answers. Gradually the muffled roar of frivolities and somberness spinning through the room began to fade into the night, like the rain passing in and out of the beams of light in the street. The room emptied and with it went the cheeriness, when only a few detached customers remained. He shifted once more, and my hand wrapped around the matchbox in my pocket, in a reassuring, even protective instinct. I fought back feelings of regret with a constant reminder in my head, a mantra to prompt my sense of success; the box was still shut, I had done the right thing.
A shift in his posture woke me from complex musings, his fingers nervously closing around his ring finger, in a habitual gesture, twisting the ring that was no longer there. He too was aware of this seemingly pointless action, and it hurt him deeply. I could see the loss in his eyes, his regret for a choice taken the wrong way, his yearning for something more, something different. A night of long awaited repentance, and yet, up to this point, nothing had been said.
“The match box, is it still closed?”
“Yes, it is.”
And with that he left, the cold air pushing my eyes to tears, forcing me to turn away. Without second thought, I withdrew the matchbox, as naïve and clueless in its old age as I was unsuitably wise for my youth. Using a knife from the table before me, I began to cut away the black tape. With shaking hands I slid the box out from its cover, turning the container upside down, pouring whatever the box held into my hand. The contents spilled into my hands, falling between my fingers to the floor, the sound not unlike that of the falling rain outside. Matches.

A Tribute

2008-11-21T06:06:00.000-08:00

And I loved it to,
Just to feel you there beside me.
My heart will never stop beating as long as you're in my arms.
Never stop beating for you.
I love you for everything,
You are the girl every other girl should strive to become.
The night pales before your beauty,
We have never been more alive.

The Tide

2008-11-20T03:37:00.000-08:00

I cannot hold on to an emotion for long enough to grasp what it means.
Anger turns into dissapointment,
Happiness to regret,
Contentment to longing.
It is like a rope around my hands and ankles.
As soon as i bite through the bonds, i realise that the rope is holding me,
Stopping me from falling.

Will

2008-11-17T03:30:00.000-08:00

When it's time for me to go,
Will I turn and walk away?

Stairwell

2008-11-16T04:13:00.000-08:00

He slowly picks his body over the banister,
Until he hangs precariously from the edge.
With his back facing the opposite wall,
His eyes looking straight up,
He holds on, for his life.

Three stories up, a young boy leans over.
He is startled by what he sees,
But of course he does not understand.
"What are you doing down there?"
He asks.
The man does not reply, simply closes his eyes,
And opens his hands.

That night, the boy tells his mother what he saw.
The mother is shocked, and breaks down.
The boy asks her,
"If I had said something else, would he have held on?"

Resolute

2008-11-15T04:44:00.000-08:00

When you kissed me and looked into my eyes,
laughed softly and held me tighter,
I knew that love was no longer a strong enough word.
No words are strong enough,
And that is why I can truly say that my feelings for you,
Are too powerful to describe.

Can you find meaning,
In the way I hold you?
The way I play with your hair?
The endless things I do for you?
Can you find the words i cannot say,
In the depth of my eyes?
The hasty beat of my heart?
The passion of our kisses?

Oh, if only these things were true.

?

2008-11-13T04:09:00.000-08:00

Tears for you,
Tears shed alone.

You will never know.

Still

2008-11-12T04:14:00.000-08:00

I stand in the centre of the city,
And watch the people bustle past,
Places to go,
Lives to live.
And soon,
They all are all gone.
I am left.
Which street do I take?

Never

2008-11-11T04:09:00.000-08:00

Never expect that people who love you with everything,
Will stand and watch,
As you pick yourself up.
Can you picture that?
Never will that be me.

Even if you tell me to leave you alone,
I will never do that.
I will always help you up.

Should I?

Open Your Eyes

2008-11-10T03:41:00.000-08:00

Ask yourself,
if you would sooner see the faults of me,
then all i do right and well.
the answer may indeed be obvious,
but what are you going to do with it.

Open your eyes to the good stuff,

and oh, will you be surprised.

Fate

2008-11-06T04:27:00.000-08:00

Do not be sorry,
if you are afraid.
Fear is not within our control,
Yet we must not let it consume us,
You can never stop the thoughts,
But you can allow me,
To fill you with hope,
And never stop believing.

Fate.
Two paths,
A world apart,
But where they finally meet,
The stars envy their standing.

A sunlight grove,
Autumn leaves like butterflies,
A patch of the softest grass,
A boy and a girl,
Fingers tangled,
Passion sparkling in their eyes.

And this was how it was meant to be.

Stars

2008-11-05T02:41:00.000-08:00

Oh, beautiful night,
Shall you take my love away from me?
She is as fragile,
As the blades of grass on which I lay.
For these are not the only blades pressed against my skin,
And it is for her that I taint the soil.
Let her be for one more night,
For surely she will rise with the sun,
And return to my embrace once more,
Her sparkling eyes will replace the stars,
Until once more we fight for our love.

Remember, Remember

2008-11-04T03:33:00.000-08:00

I watch as the man in the orange suit
Begins to paint the wall.
With the white paint,
The memories depart.
A thousand tragic scrawlings,
A hundred artistic moments,
One united front.
Washed away by the ‘cleansing blanket’ of our society.
Soon, the fight will be over,
And with it,
Our independence will die.

Kiss It Better

2008-11-03T02:53:00.000-08:00

Which way now?
Where do I go from here?

The door is gone,

but I am still hollow.

I will never forget my time in that room,

for these scars will never fade.

Reborn

2008-11-02T03:45:00.000-08:00

Today, you opened the door.
you came inside, and you sat down next to me.
You told me that you would have forgiven me no matter what,
and that you will love me forever.

I told you that all my effort was wasted.

But now, I realise that it was not wasted at all.
What I did made me forgive myself,
so I could accept forgiveness from you.

And so, for what seemed like forever, I cried on your shoulder, and you cried on mine.

The tears washed away all doubt,

and now I know that we were born to be together,
we were meant to be,
this was the only way I would have it.

Hand in hand, we walked through the door, and the room disappeared from within me.
The observer is gone, I am real once more.
and I will love you,
Forever and back.

Fire

2008-10-31T06:34:00.000-07:00

Surrounded by the blaze,

i see the door beyond the fire.

who will fight the flames?

Blood Red Skies

2008-10-30T06:10:00.000-07:00

I lie, sprawled across the sand,

unmoving.

and in my hand, i hold a rose,

and the blood from the thorns drips between my fingers.

my other hand, clenches the space above my heart, resting upon my chest,

a chest that no longer heaves,

like the waves which gently surround me,

and now i am no longer picture perfect, a tragic pose to call for tears.

now i am nothing,

and the sea takes me, and diginity does no follow.

i roll clumsily onto one side, my arms crossed unnaturally.

my head lolls backwards, my eyes out of control.
the rose falls from my hand, and stays on the sand behind me as i finally dissapear from sight.

only minutes later, a small girl runs across the sand, and picks up the rose.
and proudly displays it to her mother.

the mother cries,
and the child does not know why.

but when this small girl looks to the horizon, she sees the blood red skies of a broken heart.

All I Need

2008-10-29T06:48:00.000-07:00

I could never have lived a fish-bowl life.
But now, I wish I had.

One day with you,
One day to miss you.
One day with you,
One day to miss you.
One day with you,
One day to miss you.
One day with you,
One day to miss you.
One day with you,
One day to miss you.
One day with you,
One day to miss you.
One day with you,
One day to miss you.

Forever.

Memories

2008-10-28T05:11:00.000-07:00

Memories,

like rain,
begin to flood my mind

your eyes,
reflections of all i hate.

flashes of time with you,
soft lips,
gentle sighs,
welcoming arms,

cheeks as pale as the moon beneath which we lay,
eyes brighter than the stars above,
lips a red deeper than wine,

you are tonight's gift,
as beautiful as the flowers of night,

and i miss the memories.

Along The Way

2008-10-27T04:46:00.000-07:00

Why does no one else see your tears!
why do they continue to walk!

am i the only one?

if am.. for it appears to be so,

then i must help you. i must!

i must escape this place, so i can dry your eyes, and tell you that i love you,

tell you you're beautiful,

have you smile. just smile, for a moment,

and my heart will flutter,

as light and free as a thousand butterflies.

maybe one day, because of me,

you will smile, and never stop.

and then,
i will have achieved what i set out to do,
and fallen in love along the way.

Time Wasted

2008-10-25T06:20:00.001-07:00

I give everything to you,

until there is nothing left.

do you not notice my struggle?

do you not feel my pain?

or do you simply take all i give

with no consideration of the consequences,
or what you're leaving behind?

no, i will never stop loving you, even if you no longer have any use for me.

can you not lie with me in this room?

and together we can leave it all behind...

pass through the door,

no more time wasted.

Slightly Bad Mood.

2008-10-24T05:05:00.000-07:00

I left you there,

and walked away.
I didnt look back,
and i never will.

i cant you see,
they wont let me.

yet i left you there,
and now you stand alone.

Forgiveness

2008-10-23T06:05:00.000-07:00

That wasn't me.

i spent a long time proving that to myself, in the hope that once i believed it, so would you.

did my wish come true?

did all my work count for anything?

i could never accept your forgiveness until i had forgiven myself.

have i forgiven myself?

all i have are scars..

what do they prove?

Dont even look at me.

2008-10-23T05:59:00.000-07:00

Im overcome with self-consciousness.

and for the first time, all the people on the other side of the wall are staring at me.

and i dont want them to.

im afraid of how they see me

i wish i could tell them to stop looking at me.

or i could just hide myself,

so they couldnt see me.

Invincible

2008-10-19T05:57:00.000-07:00

In this place, I am untouched.

nothing, or noone, can hurt me.

It wouldnt be lying to say that I am invincible.

but even the strongest of us, fight battles beneath the surface.

all you see, is not all there is.

and i know that i used to be just like that.

alone in the world, full of fake smiles, forced laughter, acted interest

and the constant use of the words;
yes, im fine.

i worked so hard to only let the world see what i wanted them to see.

a person, who could cope.

and the simple truth was, still is,

i cannot.

Tomorrow,

2008-10-18T23:55:00.000-07:00

With my face pressed up against the wall, i watched you.

you stood out from the crowd

you were all i could see.
Your beauty took my breath away,

and yet my heart longed to reach out for you.

i knew, there and then, that you did not see yourself in the same way i did.

and i knew, that all i wanted, was to show you that.

for a moment, i think you noticed me. no one else ever did

they would just keep on walking.

but for a fleeting moment, your eyes met mine,

and i had a reason, a desperate reason,

to escape this place.

but the feeling was gone as quickly as it had come, and i watched you turn, and walk into the crowd once more, slowly dissapearing from sight, never looking back.

forever shall i dream of your perfection,
until the day i pass through the door beside me.

Unsuitably Wise

2008-10-17T04:19:00.000-07:00

i recalled something today.

something of a memory.

i was told that i was wise..

wise, when i was 14 years old.

when these thoughts ran through my world, i felt a spark,
of hope, strength, joy, and the slightest touch of freedom.

and when i did,

the door opened slightly.

it lasted for only a moment in the torture of my eternity

but it gave me hope.

if i can fight the darkness, fight away all the negative observations of myself,
maybe one day i can escape this place.

Morbus.

2008-10-16T05:47:00.001-07:00

reaching out with the tendrils of my mind, i begin to write on the wall

the wall that supports the door.

i stay as far away from the door as possible
but i realise, that as i gradually write more and more of what i feel,
i will slowly mak my way towards the door. and when i eventully do reach it,

i believe that the door will be unlocked.

but for now, i battle with myself, day by day

crying or screaming,

until one day, i will pass through the door.

morbus.
i know what it means, do you?

The Observer

2008-10-15T06:05:00.000-07:00

The world, or the part of the world in which i am trapped

is not actually a place.

i dont ACTUALLY feel, smell, hear, taste or see anything.

its all in my head.

pretty much the same as real sensation,

except real sensation is....

real.

and reality has boundaries that the mind does not.

For the truth is, i am not real.

i am simply the worst of what I used to be. I am a pessimist,
and i all i am is the worst i can see in myself.

I am the Observer.

Once more

2008-10-14T04:27:00.000-07:00

a thousand people watch me.
i watch them back.
they are on the other side
behind the door.

wherever the door leads.

i dont know where or what it is, but from there..

they stand.
they watch.
they do not blink.
they do not breathe.

i close my eyes, and i hear their voices, see their thoughts skipping across my eyelids
i open my eyes,
they are gone.

once more, i am alone.

black tendrils growing out of my back

2008-10-13T05:22:00.000-07:00

i realised today that because i spent so long pushing myself to the boundaries of physical pain
it no longer means anything to me.

and that space has to be filled.

so the other kind of pain

comes back at me, twofold.

Introduction

2008-10-11T04:06:00.000-07:00

Hello.

i cannot give you a name, for i am not aware of one.

id describe myself.. but i dont know what to say.

you see..

time doesnt exist where I am

what is time, but a measure of where we are going, where we have come from?

im not going anywhere.
i have no memories.

so for me, time is nothing.

introduction, introduction.

ill tell you my story, day by day. as it happens. so you hear it, before i forget.

i struggle to grasp the idea that so much has happened so far, so much is still to happen.

for me, it happens all at once. but each moment is forever..

bear with me.

i get lost easily, and you may too.

goodnight.